So since ive last been here, I've been and gone to California, and had my second baby boy Aidan, life has been quite perfect. Ive learnt so much about myself from the experiences over the past two years its truly incredible, when you become a mother, you have to learn new skills fast, you think faster, you want to be ontop of everything you werent before, because you want to be a proper grownup for that little one. At least I feel that way. I have been doing self-work for 2 years now, facing all my flaws one by one, and i know i will continue to be humbled by my children/life for years to come, I will continue to feel inadequate to raise them until I see them finally fully grown, well turned out, and away from my smotherly paws.
I know Ive finally realized you cannot be a perfect parent, no matter how much you want to be because well perfection doesn't exist and we dont stop maturing and life doesnt stop changing just becasue you had a baby. So now im more self forgiving, I let go of things more easily, and if I do something to mess up I ask myself why and try to address the issue. I also decided today during husbands busy final season to have a lazy day Saturday everyweek, its a day when anything flys, dishes can pile up, Dylan can beg for a walk outside in the freezing weather, and little nagging things to do list can hide away in a draw for all i care, ill watch 3 movies back to back, pig out on goodies, and take time to laugh and have some friggin fun :P
I enjoy the rest of my week if I have a break, I like being a SAHM, and I love the little perks that go with it.
I can see now how I fought being happy up until this point, I had a bad habit of spending too much time thinking about whats wrong instead of whats right, for instance I would be tired and as a result grumpy and instantly I would think it was because of someone or something I felt this way. Now if Im ever grumpy I wont allow myself to linger, Ill tell myself your tired it will pass, or sometimes, especially with the aftermath of a baby my hormones hit me like bejesus!, and I need to really be hiding under a rock somewhere but instead Ill think just my hormones not because of my life. Everybody has hardship Ive realized, but if you deal with it the right way it wont affect you as much and you'll come out transformed to a higher level instead of being scarred or defeated by it, and I truly believe we are are own worst enemies, not society, or are family or our friends, its all what we think about all the outer aspects that matters.
And ive realized hormones is truly an issue for me, and as a result its one of my own personal favorite research projects. Sometimes when i let down my breastmilk I feel dreadful for about two-5minutes, I noticed this for a couple of weeks, and when i checked online there was a name for this complex D-MER some hormone reaction causing a chemical reaction which causes some devilish wave of anxiety in my brain... pretty much. So I no longer feel like the moment im in is really that dreadful I just think it will pass on and Ill be fine. Fortunately this hasn't affected me this past week, for what reason i have no idea lol (perhaps less stress?)
I think becoming more rational has helped me leaps and bounds, but on the flip side im now heavily into my angel card readings I check my angel tarot cards everytime im worried or concerned about anything pretty much. I also read my cards at the start of each and every week, obssesive much? me thinks so, but it helps me out tremendously, a very positive little quirk in my life so why not?
And lastly and most importantly to me, My life is a lot better and enriched now that Fei is in my heart, and not far from me. I finally let him in lol, I think I have learnt some marriage skills on my own(i mean together lol), and I think ive accepted a lot of that is how we each have different roles to play in our family. I wont go into the ins and outs, but to sum up most of what I do is for Fei and for the dreams we share, before it may mostly have been for Dylan hehe!. I hadnt realized what true love was until I reached a stage of honesty, honesty with myself that its being married isnt the be all and end all of life, its moves on and changes constantly and you can work together with your partner or fight them on every little issue. Now I am working on consistency and creating a warmer, happy, fun to be in environment for us to be in Im excited about sharing a life together that will have ups and downs, but we will always be together which is all that matters.
Now christmas time is coming and theres a bizillion things on my to do list but Ill just do whats fun and can fit in in the right kind of way, I will fight the stress virus of Christmas out there, try my hardest not to get caught up in the madnesssss!
and ill try not to swallow every Christmas cookie in sight ;), unless its Saturday xx
